I was sitting on the boat with a towel around my neck wondering what it would feel like if I hanged myself. I needed to get out of this relationship!! I didn’t know what was happening to me but I knew that I was deteriorating on all levels; mentally, physically, and spiritually. I felt like I was a shell of myself. My self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence were almost all gone.

I don’t know where it came from but I pulled up from my depths a sliver of strength and thought to myself, “I’m worth more than this, no one is worth ending my life for.” It was in these moments that I started to call on my reserves of courage and confidence and put the wheels in motion to leave this toxic, narcissist behind.

After being in a relationship with this person for over 20 years I knew I had to leave to save myself.

Dreams of sailing around the world in our sailboat would not happen. From the moment I met this husband the sole focus of us moving forward in life together was that we would buy a sailboat and in his retirement, we would set sail.

I had seen red flags and wore rose-colored glasses throughout the years of being with this person. I knew something was wrong about some of his behaviors and traits but I had no idea what it was. When I first met him I was a self-assured and confident woman. Over the years of being with him, I was slowly losing this woman. And I didn’t realize it!!

I did not know what I was dealing with until after I left and was having a conversation with his sister. She suggested that he was a sociopath. I had to look up the definition to see if that fit what I had been dealing with. I could check off some of the boxes but not all. Something was still not fitting. Then I looked up psychopath and found that I could tick off some of the boxes there too but it still didn’t explain what I was dealing with. It was with my research  in looking for answers that I came upon the word “narcissist.”

This changed my life and propelled me forward to reclaiming myself and my life to become the self-confident, strong woman I had lost while being with this person. I could tick off almost every trait and behavior of a narcissist!! I was dumbfounded!!

Now that I knew what I had been dealing with I gained an understanding of the narcissist control, manipulation, and undermining of their “prey” I could begin to heal. The healing from narcissist abuse can take time and patience with one’s self, but you can heal and become a stronger person once away from the narcissist.