A narcissist’s need for control stems from their deep-seated insecurities and distorted sense of self. Here’s how they might think and feel about controlling their partner or victim:

Maintaining their Self-Esteem:

Fragile Ego:

• A narcissist’s self-esteem is fragile and easily shattered. Control allows them to orchestrate situations to avoid failures or criticism that could damage their ego. They might think, “If I control every outcome, no one can see my flaws, and I’ll stay perfect in their eyes.”

Fear of Rejection or Abandonment:

Emotional Dependence:

• Narcissists often have a deep-seated fear of being alone. Control becomes a tool to ensure their partner stays close and fulfills their emotional needs. They might think, “If I control them completely, they’ll never leave me, and I won’t have to face rejection or abandonment.”

Power and Dominance:

Superiority Complex:

• Controlling their partner fuels their distorted sense of superiority that gives them a sense of power and dominance. It reinforces the idea that they are in charge and deserve to dictate the terms of the relationship. They might think, “I’m the stronger one here. They need to submit to my authority, they need to listen to me.”

Everything Revolves Around Them:

Lack of Empathy:

• Narcissists struggle to understand or care about their partner’s feelings or needs. Control ensures their partner’s life revolves around fulfilling their desires. They might think, “Their happiness doesn’t matter as much as mine. They’re here to make me happy.”
• They struggle to see things from their partner’s perspective.

Justification and Denial:

Manipulation as Care:

• Narcissists are masters of manipulation. They justify their controlling behavior by framing it as something positive, like “looking out for their partner’s best interests” or “keeping things stable.” They deny any manipulative intent, making it difficult for the partner to challenge their behavior.
• They deny any manipulative intent.

Living Through a Fantasy:

Obsessive Idealization:

• Narcissists control their partner to create a fantasy world where their partner becomes the perfect reflection of their desires. They think, “If I control them enough, they’ll become the perfect partner I’ve always imagined, and I’ll have the perfect relationship.”

Seeing Their Partner as an Extension:

Loss of Individuality:

• In their distorted view, the partner may not be seen as a separate person with their own thoughts and feelings. The narcissist might see them as an extension of themselves, making control feel like an extension of self-care. They might think, “We’re one unit, and I wouldn’t want to control myself, would I?”

Isolating the Partner:

Controlling the Environment:

• Isolation tactics like limiting contact with friends and family are used to create a situation where the partner is more dependent on the narcissist for social interaction and emotional support. This makes the partner more dependent and easier to control and manipulate. They might think, “The fewer people they see, the less likely they are to see through me or challenge my control.”

By understanding these motivations, it becomes clear that a narcissist’s controlling behavior is driven by their own insecurities, a symptom of a deeper emotional disorder. It’s not about genuine love or care for their partner, but about protecting their own fragile sense of self at all costs.

They are focused on maintaining their fragile sense of self, even at the expense of a healthy relationship.